TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have another location the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide All people a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he ought to cease applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They may Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting awareness from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have turn-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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